Just What I Needed

This is one of the funniest April Fools’ fakes I have ever read. If you want to read it and pass this on in its entirety, go to it.

I am sure that 99 percent of your friends will think this is a real pre-opening alert for what might be the world’s most pretentious restaurant. And if you send it today, they might forget that Tuesday is the 1st!

The funny part is that this satirical piece of tomfoolery by Chicago Reader’s Mike Sula is so close to the real thing that many seasoned food writers and industry types actually called me to see if I planned on checking it out and could I get them a reservation. The tip-offs in this over-the-top piece of fiction are many: the chef’s name is taken from a T. C. Boyle short story about a chef who seduces a female food critic; many of the signature dishes that the chef lays claim to in the Reader piece are actually famous signatures of other Chicago chefs, such as Graham Bowles and Homaru Canto; the idea of using a $5,000 bottle of wine to replace water in a bong is simply an outrage to any weed or wine lover; and perhaps the funniest bit of all is that the house duck is named Joe Moore, the name of the real life Chicago Alderman who spearheaded the Windy City’s foie gras ban.

The true-to-life elements are very real. A young dishwasher at Babbo lying on his resume that he worked the pass there for three years to get a paying line-cook gig; the bribing of city inspectors; the spoiled, childish chef; the esoteric location of Crib; the nomadic dinners; the shot taken at Alan Richman; the non-disclosure statements that guests must sign before entering the restaurant; the camera ban . . . all too real to anyone who lives in the modern restaurant world.

So has anyone experienced anything remotely resembling Crib? At LAN in Beijing, they have a no-camera policy (I smuggled one in anyway) and offer several entrances for famous regulars who are dining with mistresses or working on big deals and require anonymity. I have attended nomadic dinners in several cities, eaten is restaurants without lights of any kind, dined off of human bodies and the like. What about you? What would be your limit for any of this bulls**t in a local restaurant? Just curious.

Top Chef(s)

The James Beard Award nominations came out Monday, and although I have not eaten at Bluestem, I have eaten at the other four JBA-nominated restaurants in our region. Alex deserves the nomination as does Isaac, both of who deserve the recognition, which is long overdue. But pound for pound, the cooking that Tim is doing at LBV outshines what anyone else has been doing in this town for the last two to three years. And what’s more, there are dozens of chefs more deserving than the guy at Bartolotta’s. I have eaten there several times, and it’s good bistro fare, but it is nothing that makes it Beard-worthy in my opinion. More on all the JBA news on Monday.

****

Top Chef received two nods, and I have to say this show keeps getting better each season. Finally, a show that merges the challenges and evictions that reality TV junkies crave and the rigors of cooking that food fans hunger for.

Some observations so far:

Richard and Dale seem like potential winners to me, both will be there in the end.

Erik is a bozo. Perhaps the dumbest thing I have heard come out of a human being’s mouth regarding food was the insulting, ethnocentric, and ignorant drivel he hurled at Rick Bayless: “I don’t think fine dining and Mexican go together, so he can go screw himself.”  Erik came close to equaling that feat when he declared, after being tossed out, that, “I have a bright future ahead of me . . . .” Not with that attitude and talent level, you misguided idiot!

The only thing you need to know to be convinced that Padma neither enjoys nor understands food: She tried to eat a toasted marshmallow rolled in finely ground graham crackers and chocolate in two bites.

Someone please tell me who does not belong in this group of judges: Tony Bourdain, Rocco DiSpirito, Rick Bayless, and Ted Allen. I need to hear from anyone as to what qualifies this fella; although, he did a fine job explaining why it’s a bad idea to serve corn dogs two hours after they are fried. Then again, my three-year-old could have explained that one.

****

According to yesterday’s DailyCandy that arrived in my box, there is an answer for all the folks out there who want to eat some of the world’s most obscure delicacies. Everything from croc, scorpions, civet coffee, and mopane worms can be found at the Edible website.

****

Scott Pampuch sent me this great article: “The Revolution Will Not Be Pasteurized.” It is a piece as timely as it is relevant. Raw milk should be labeled as such and sold legally; it’s a no-brainer. In similar news, Rep. Michelle Bachman is pushing for a dismantling of the new legislation requiring incandescent bulbs to go the way of the horse and buggy in favor of the more environmentally friendly long life bulb. Again, a no-brainer. Except in this case, it’s Bachman that needs to have her cortex examined.

The Minnesota Model

Target just announced that it will label carbon-monoxide treated meat saying that color is not indicative of freshness. Regular readers will remember my eruption due to the stupidity of the folks who refused to acknowledge same. Target, once again, gets it! Great move, Big Red.

****

Hey, Minnesota, tomorrow night is the premiere of the Minnesota episode of Bizarre Foods. For all the obvious reasons, check it out.

****

Sorry about the dearth of posts last week, I was in a country that only has dial-up Internet access and limited connectivity of any kind. Yes, these places really do exist.

I checked e-mail on my way home and saw that Jim Denevan had sent me an e-mail reminding me that the 2008 summer schedule for Outstanding in the Field is available online at and that reservations can be made online. Two years ago, the program made a stop here in Minnesota, and Lenny Russo made a dinner down at Alexis Bailly Vineyard that was superb. The year before that, I went to Georgia for one of the dinners that Anne Quatrano from Bacchanalia put together, and it was stupendous.

Essentially, you sit at a table for one-hundred people, which is built in the middle of a farm field, and are served a multi-course food and wine extravaganza designed by a local culinary wizard and inspired by everything local, fresh, and best. On August 15, OITF will be hosting a dinner at Cedar Summit Farm here in New Prague. Make your reservations now since almost all the dinners around the country are quickly selling out.

****

The 2008 IACP Award nominations are out, and my pals Sasha Issenberg (The Sushi Economy) and Paula Disbrowe (Crescent City Cooking) both got nominated. I hope they win big. The Beard Award nominees will be announced today if memory serves me. Look for plenty of local nominees this year; should be a good year for local food writers and chefs to win big.

****

I missed the Food and Wine Experience this year because I was at the SoBe show, but Stephanie March's take on the Food and Wine conclave surprised me. I had forgotten about the event since no one I know went. Does anyone go? I mean, there are huge numbers of people there, but who are they? Do you go, and why?

****

Regarding the meat packing brouhaha and the posted comments on this blog, here is a website that shows which organic companies are owned by other really big companies–enjoy!

****

Speaking of cool food news, check out this Ethicurean article about rising grain prices. It has quite a few good links within the first paragraph about the global food situation.

****

I spent a few weeks in Hawaii recently and was shocked at the number of wealthy farmsters with serious working farms, especially in Maui. Here is a cool New York Times piece on hipsters becoming farmsters.   

Hitting the Links

Hey there, everyone. I was traveling last week and couldn’t get connected where I was. So with some luck, I’ll try to make it up this week.

I love the food section of the LA Times, and this is a great piece on the wellspring of chef blogs available these days to peripatetic web surfers. I regularly hit some of the blogs listed, but the truest statement in this piece is Traci’s about chef blogs growing stale when they fail to stay timely.

****

A new fine dining survey similar to Zagat's is out. Who needs another one of these?

****

The failing American economy is hitting the hospitality industry with a wallop. Look for plenty of local closings if this economic trend continues. Restaurants are leveraged to the max with huge credit burdens. Here is an interesting WSJ article about fewer women in the work force.

****

More on Meat Gate 2008 for those that missed it.

****

Pete Wells reports on Alan Richman’s retorts to his "Golden Clog" that Michael Ruhlman and Anthony Bourdain awarded him a few weeks ago. Also check out the brutal Les Halles review on his blog. The best part of the whole thing is that by knowing the players in the game a little bit, I can assure you that Richman was ticked off he got a clog, and Bourdain couldn’t give a sh*t what anyone thinks of Les Halles.

****

Food prices are soaring, and menu prices will grow all over the country throughout the next few months. Here is a great NYT article on the growing global demand for grain, which we all know affects everyone, even if you never dine out at all.

LA Nocturne

I love The Soup, previously called Talk Soup, and who knows, I might have that backward. For years, I have made it a must-look whenever I surf by it on TV. I have just learned that last week, Bizarre Foods Beijing was selected as the most disturbing clip of the week—of course it was the penis restaurant scene. Very cool.

And speaking of cool, check out Access Hollywood tonight. Maria Menounos and I sat down for lunch together at Spago last week and chatted about all things bizarre. She is 100 times hipper and sweeter in person than she usually comes across on camera.

****

Here is some hot LA food news from my quick pit stop there last week:

Cut, in the Beverly Wilshire Hotel, is still the hottest table in town. Lee Hefter and Wolfgang Puck’s steakhouse is now also open in Vegas. Lee is there all this week supervising the crew and showing everyone the ropes. When we arrived in LA, we stuck our heads in the kitchen since we were staying at the Bev Wilshire. We stayed for dinner, which was as good as ever. The tomato salad, tartare, strip sampler of Wagyu, American Kobe, and dry-aged NY sirloin are just phenomenal. If you want a real beef dinner, Cut is nearly perfect. Noah (our three-year-old) devoured the mini Kobe burgers.

The Boulevard restaurant on the other side of the property is a great restaurant as well, and during breakfast the next day, I sat next to Sidney Poitier. What a feeling. Lunch took us over to Spago for the shoot and some treats from the kitchen, such as basil pesto shrimp pizza— travesty elsewhere but amazing here—and a Greek salad. We shot with Maria and that night ate with friends at their house. For about the umpteenth time, we swung by Madeo and got some pasta and salads to go. I love that restaurant.

That night, we stopped by Cut to say thanks to Wolfgang for all his help with the Access Hollywood shoot, and Noah ran and jumped on him screaming, ‘Wolfy,’ as he gang tackled him. Puck, who has a bunch of little kids himself, was quite a sport about it all. And on May 16, you can see what a star the man is in person by buying tickets to CuisineArt at The Walker, one of the best food events of the year.

True Lies

I voted last weekend for the second phase of the Beard Awards. Anyone who wants to see the talent pool that my fellow judges and I had to work with can check it out at on the James Beard website or at NY Mag's site here.

I voted for a lot of hometown heroes during this winnowing phase of the process since we were allowed to vote for five nominees in most categories. There were a lot of head scratchers in some categories (more on that later next week), but I got to give some juice to some of the out-of-towners I have dined with throughout the last year. Lee Hefter, Mike Lata, Tony Mantuano, Gabe Rucker, Gavin Kaysen, etc. My old buddy Steve Hanson got one of my nods for Restaurateur of the Year as well.

****

In Tuesday’s NYT, I read that Robert Irvine got fired. The Dinner Impossible star lied about his background in his CV and told the St. Petersburg Times that he lied because he felt pressure to keep up with the Joneses! Why? He was the anti-star, the mess hall cook. How crazy is this? He didn’t have to make anything up for gosh sakes; he works for the network that airs Sandy Lee, the Neelys, and the numbingly ridiculous Fieri guy.

In the same issue, Peggy Seltzer, who wrote Love and Consequences as Margaret Jones, admitted she fabricated her whole best-selling, critically acclaimed bio a la James Frey. Except, this lady could have written her book as fiction and not lost a damn bit of the story. What gives? Seltzer says she wanted to show readers how the other half lived. Irvine and she have one thing in common: They are full of it. They wanted the . . . and rather than admit that they thought they had to lie to keep it, they keep the spin spinning. He thought he had to be pedigreed to get it, she thought she couldn’t sell fiction. Sad.

****

The Kathie Jenkins story keeps getting better and better. Friends who were at P & F on opening night spotted her there with a gal pal, so she bashed P & F in a first-peek style blurb, which is ridiculous in the first place since those types of notices should simply be alerts that a place is open along with a description of the look and feel of a joint. To not tell people you were there on opening night when you are lambasting the restaurant is disingenuous. Why do I care? Because I write about food, and I am shocked at the Pi Press editorial policy that allows this to be printed. I believe in transparency when it comes to these sorts of pieces, and Steven Brown is a friend of mine besides being a phenomenal talent. And it comes hot on the heels of her famous Chambers diatribe in last year’s Pi Press where it turned out that she had based some of her writing on a visit there during one of the pre-opening test dinners.

****

Now, on to the ethics of customer expectations, a question raised by posters to my last blog.

First off to Tony: You are nuts. The idea is to blend art and commerce, especially in the dining world, which is different than the eating world. And if you have the stones, let us know where you work. I am curious. And as someone who attended Doug Flicker’s Beard dinner, all I can say is that not only was the food sublime, but the vibe in the room was indescribable, especially to see Doug’s staff, and their faces, when he was presented with his dream knife. Wow. That night in NYC was the reason I do what I do. It was performance art; you just had to be there.

If a restaurant is taking money for their food, a customer deserves to say what they want about the level of service and quality of food they eat. And it should be good; open means open. But take the Broadway show/restaurant metaphor one step further: When I see The Producers during the first week of its run, I get a less perfect product than I do when it is 100 nights into it. But the energy is amazing, and when I go to see it again, I can compare the performances. I like that, which is why I dine in restaurants early in their lifespan.

A restaurant is a growing, moving, and changing organism. It is thrilling to see, and I always experience less than ideal service early on and eat dishes in need of work regardless of the caliber of eatery. That is par for the course even though I might be paying the same dough for that early dinner as I do for a better one three months later. But that is the fun of seeing a place grow, morph, and become refined. Sometimes the other extreme is disheartening. I have seen The Producers 500 shows in and saw the stars sleepwalk through ‘yet another’ performance. I’ll take the opening week any day over that dud. And even worse, try going to a restaurant, a truly good one, 500 nights into its run. The chef might not even be there!

That’s why I like eating out in good restaurants. It’s about more than the food: It’s about the theater.

Mistaken Identity and a Brain Dead Moron

Thank God more people read this blog than peruse Kathie Jenkins’s column in the Pi Press because that way I can rest assured that one of my fave new eateries gets a fair shake. I know firsthand that it is possible to have a bad meal in a great restaurant; I have had several myself over the years, but her first peek at Porter & Frye puzzled me.

Jenkins railed on the food to a degree that I found laughable considering she must have gone there during the first three or four nights of opening to make her deadline.

Who would so harshly judge a restaurant so early on? I also found it puzzling that she ate so many items on the bar menu and failed to differentiate that tidbit of info in her abbreviated remarks. But mostly because I find her experiences in eating food (both at P & F and elsewhere) so remarkably different than mine, I just had to point out the obvious. Despite my respect for her personal opinion and emphatically stating I believe that she is simply writing her own ‘truth’ about her experience there, I am in shock. Anytime she wants to have dinner there, I would love to take her and give her a primer in what makes for great cooking. I adore the food at P & F. Steven Brown has assembled a fantastic brigade, and this group can really cook.

But don’t take my word for it. I had dinner there on Wednesday evening. I took Tony Mantuano from Spiaggia in Chicago, one of the best chefs in America and a legend in the business, winner of multiple Beard/IACP awards. I was also entertaining Lawrence Keogh from Roast in London’s Borough Market. Roast is one of the best restaurants in the world, and Keogh has helmed kitchens in two different two-star Michelin restaurants and has directed of one of the most forward thinking, organic, sustainable slow-food movements on the planet in his role on the board of Borough Market. Also in attendance was Robert Gadsby, chef at Soma in Houston and formerly of Noe in Houston and Los Angeles, a man who has worked all over the world with Alain Chapel, Thomas Keller, Joel Robuchon, and Alain Ducasse. Addlyn Thao and Nana Chen came from Beijing and Taiwan, local talent was also represented (Lenny Russo was there), and we ate on what I think was the fifth night the restaurant was opened. Porter & Frye BLEW THIS GROUP AWAY.

The food Brown is doing is entirely familiar to his fans, and if the restaurant management can warm up the room a tad, this restaurant is destined for greatness. The food is world-class. I find it unfathomable that Jenkins could have had such a dud of an experience there.

We began with a squash soup amuse with fried sage and truffle; wolfed down a stunner of a Greek salad that featured a garnish of tomato puree, which had been turned into a sunset-colored crisp of tomato candy; inhaled seared tuna with shishito peppers, sea salt, and lemon; devoured grilled swordfish with a sauce I though tasted like the delicious child of the illicit coupling of white anchovies and a tonnato sauce; and we greedily demolished what is easily the best reason in the five-state area to eat chicken in restaurants again: A chicken thigh boned out, stuffed, and cooked sous vide until it literally melted in your mouth and then crisped before being plated, so it ate like a lacquered Peking-style duck. It came over polenta with red-onion marmalade, a stunner. We had a sous vide lamb roulade of both loin and forcemeat over a shank or shoulder confit, which came on brilliantly braised pistachios. We finished the meal with mignardise and a warm, chocolate tart with nutmeg foam and carrots that were crisped and candied. Even local pastry legend Marjorie Johnson couldn’t contain her glee.

After dinner, when Brown came out to meet my out-of-town pals, he got the third degree from Tony, Lawrence, and Robert, all of whom were thrilled with their dinner, awed with Brown’s technique, and stunned at the level of cuisine that was being executed in the first week of P & F’s opening. When Gadsby and Keogh can’t figure out how a chef accomplished a level of finish on a dish (we are convinced Brown is keeping the secret to his swordfish a secret), you know you have really pulled a rabbit out of a hat. This is a must-go restaurant, and along with LBV, Porter & Frye is cooking at a level above and beyond what anyone else in town is doing.

BTW, Mantuano has a new book out in April that will be a huge hit. He is also opening up a Spiaggia in South Beach this summer. Gadsby is opening two new eateries this spring in Houston, where he is literally the hottest table in town. Don Cheadle is playing Gadsby in the new Will Smith project based on the life of a prison inmate to whom Robert gave a job and mentored in the food biz several years ago. Keogh has his hands full with all his activities and is working on a partnership between Borough Market and La Bouqeria in Barcelona while managing to earn every accolade that the European press can toss his way.

****

Congressional hearings into the Westland/Hallmark meat packing company brouhaha could have spawned plenty of laughs and puzzled glances if it wasn’t so achingly sad and disturbing. Secretary of Agriculture Ed Schaefer, the pathetically disingenuous scumbag who runs the Ag Dept., actually said under oath on Thursday that “we do not believe this is a food safety issue” when commenting on the horrific conditions and his own agency’s ineffectual stupidity (the plant has five inspectors assigned there). How could those inspectors miss the obvious endemic abuse? And why not use digital cameras in all slaughterhouses that stream video to the USDA, FDA, and Ag. Dept. as Wisconsin Senator Herb Kohl suggests? It is cheap, easy to do, and would save money to boot. And since our tax dollars fund those agencies, we deserve to see inside them, once and for all. Schaefer is a vile and pernicious man who is solidly in the pocket of BigAg. It is shameful that he, as the man charged with protecting our health interests, is the only one defending the process and the slaughterhouses. We need people running these agencies who will stand up and loudly decry the industry for its transgressions and work diligently to make our food-supply chain safe for all Americans. He is simply an apologist for the rule breakers.

****

Hope you saw me on the Today Show this morning; I’ll be on Access Hollywood next Tuesday.