Victoria's Secret Perfume Launch

Eva Longoria Parker opened a restaurant in Hollywood last month with famed chef Todd English. Beso, as it’s called, serves a Mexican-Mediterranean fusion in a trendy nightclub setting with vaulted ceilings, allowing Hollywood egomaniacs plenty of room to levitate should their head suddenly swell. Although such a blend of cuisines and stardom does not excite me, I found myself attending a Victoria’s Secret perfume launch at the restaurant on Tuesday night.

NOTE: If invited to a Victoria’s Secret perfume party, a) inquire as to how many models will show up b) don’t expect a lingerie catalog come to life; and c) don’t wear your ratty purple Gap button-up with a hole in the elbow.

Had someone clued me in, I probably wouldn’t have stood there against the bar talking to the Los Angeles magazine reporter for most of the night trying to identify celebrities. Frankly, without the lingerie (and air brushing), it’s hard to tell which LA babe is just a hoochie in heels or the real deal. It’s not like they wore name tags identifying themselves as international cover girls as I would have liked.

I did figure out that Miranda Kerr, a Victoria’s Secret Angel model and the headliner of the event, was in a booth with an entourage nibbling on uninspired cheese pizza. Yeah, I know, cheese pizza. Come on Longoria Parker!  Additionally, I recognized Christina Milian, the singer and former MTV VJ, but didn’t dare approach her because of the two-ton man walking in her shadow. As for the other hundred beautiful women making eyes at me, well, I had no clue.

So I ate the tasteless, under-cooked chicken skewers and drank the drink of the night: Velvet Jack, a mix of Chambord and Jack Daniel's. Chambord, a French liquor that’s tastes like condensed milk and shriveled raspberries, was one of the night’s sponsors.

There were other dudes there, dressed without holes in their shirts (I didn’t have time to change after I poked a hole in it earlier in the day—I have very sharp elbows), engaged in the same kind of neck straining as me. Two Project Runway contestants, Nick Verreos and Rami Kashou, mingled about. And Christian Oliver, whose career will surely soar with this summer’s blockbuster Speed Racer, was supposedly standing next to me for quite some time, but I took him for a representative from Chambord’s corporate office. Actors Chris Evans (Not Another Teen Movie) and Jeremy Piven (Entourage) were supposedly there as well. Alas, Longoria Parker never made an appearance, so I assumed she was in the kitchen under cooking the chicken.

After talking the Los Angeles magazine reporter’s ear off in an attempt to get a sensational and obnoxious quote in her story—“This type of event is for B-level celebrities and low-level PR floozies trying to justify their salaries and existence”—I headed for the door and the free swag: a bottle of Victoria’s Secret Heavenly Kiss perfume. Sadly, when I approached the swag table, I was informed that they’d just run out.

Perhaps they noticed my elbow protruding from the tear in my shirt and decided it was best if I wasn’t anywhere near the new product.